This might be a little long for Imgur, but I promise there can't be many stories like it.
First some backstory:
This took place when Myspace was king of the social media world, and I was in my first semester of college. I skipped a grade so I was not 18 at the time, but I was working (close to full time) and going to school full time. Basically, I was fulfilling all of the major duties one could expect from a student living at home. I was also a good kid in general. Never got into the party scene in high school, and didn't have my first drink until my 21st birthday. No reason for my dad and step mom to suspect I was up to anything I shouldn't have been...
So, one night I was working a closing shift when a friend of mine (let's call him John) came in to the store (this was common as he was also a co-worker) and he asked if I wanted to go golfing the next morning.
He suggested I stay the night so we can sleep as late as possible for an early tee time. This was not the first time we had done this, we golfed quite a bit, so this was not abnormal in any way.
Because I wasn't 18 at the time, I called my dad to make sure it was cool for me to do this. He was expecting me home after work and would be worried if I just didn't show up, as I was always good about letting him know where I was, whenever I was staying at his house on the weekends. At this point this was more of a formality than anything (or at least that's what I thought) because I was out of high school and working and was allowed to come and go as I pleased.
Here's how that conversation went:
Me: Hey dad, John invited me to go golfing tomorrow morning and stay at his house tonight. Wanted to make sure that was alright.
Dad: Who's John?
Me: You know, John, the one I always go golfing with.
Dad: (Awkward Pause) OK, just don't do anything you're going to regret...
Me (laughing a bit thinking this was something to do with alcohol because I have a rebellious younger brother): Don't worry, I don't get into trouble, and neither does John.
I tell John we're good to go and I will come over after my shift is done. Maybe 5 minutes later my dad calls me back.
Dad: I want you to come home before you go to John's
Me: Why, is everything ok?
Dad: I need to talk to you about something.
Me: Uhm, ok.
The last half hour of my shift drags, as I am now dreading whatever it is my dad wants to talk about. My dad has never said "I need to talk to you about something" and had it been good for me. He was really strict and somewhat controlling. Especially considering I never really did anyting to warrant such strict parenting.
So I get home, and things get super weird.
My dad and step mom, who are both normally asleep by this hour, are sitting on the same couch facing the other couch with the TV off, just waiting for me to come home. I decide to hope for the best, and walk in with a smile and sit down across from them. I forget exactly how the beginning of the conversation went. I think I tried to figure out what they wanted by starting with small talk about customers at work or something, but it quickly led to this:
Dad: So, are we just not going to talk about it?
Me (having no idea what he is on about): Talk about what? You wanted to talk to me, I have no idea what this is about.
Dad: SEXUALITY... (I capitalized this because I don't know how to italicize it. He didn't yell this, but he emphasized it as though I should have known all along what he wanted to talk about)
Me (super surprised and almost laughing because it was so surprising): What? What about it?
Dad: Your sexuality.
Me (really surprised, this is not how I saw this night going): What about my sexuality?
Dad: You're gay.
Me: What?! What are you talking about? I'm not gay.
Dad: You and John.
Me: John?! John has a long term girlfriend, and even if he didn't neither of us are gay!
Here we get to the whole reason this started. Upon my asking if I could stay at John's, my dad and step mom decided to do some internet sleuthing. By sleuthing I mean hacking into my Myspace account and going through anything John and I had sent to one another. I don't know if you're old enough to remember, but back in the day on Myspace, people would fill out these surveys with random personal questions and then post them as bulletins for their friends to read and comment on. Well, John posted one with a question about when he thought he'd get married. As I said before he had a long term girlfriend at the time and answered something along the lines of, "I could really only see myself getting married to one person". John and I had a fairly dry and immature sense of humor at the time, so my reply to this was to post on his wall "Just wanted to make sure that I'm the one person you could see yourself marrying". My dad and step mom saw this...
My dad explains what he saw on John's wall, and I wish I could have seen the look on my own face, because at this point I actually thought they were joking, but they weren't.
Dad: We don't care that you're gay, we just can't believe you wouldn't tell us about such a serious relationship. (This is the only redeeming thing my dad says in this entire exchange)
Me: That was a joke! (I explain the bulletin post) I know he was talking about his girlfriend, it was supposed to be funny!
Dad and Stepmom look at me as though they are waiting for me to crack under the pressure or something...
Me (in frustration that they clearly don't believe me): I would know if I was gay.
Step mom (she can be the most condescending person on Earth sometimes): You're right, you would.
Dad: You never really have girlfriends, you don't date anyone. (A bit more background. Sorry! I was a super late bloomer and younger than everyone else in my classes all my life. I was maybe 5'4" when I graduated and super scrawny. Not a ladies man.)
Me: So that means I'm gay?
Dad: No, but you and John...
Me: That was a joke! I'm sorry you didn't realize it was a joke, I'll start telling you about my inside jokes with friends from now on.
Dad: There's no reason for you to get an attitude.
At this point the conversation sort of stalls and gets a bit more fuzzy for me. They clearly didn't believe me, and my step mom had this look like she was so knowing about me. It was starting to make me angry, so I just asked if I could leave, and I did. I went to John's house and told him, and we both laughed for a good 10 minutes about it.
Later, when I told this to my actual mom and brother, my brother said he heard the entire conversation from down the hall, and said that after I left my step mom said something like, "It's better that he finds out now than after he's married or something"
Well I've been married for 4 years now, and stories like this about my weird upbringing are why my wife is less than pleased to see that side of my family.
Hope you enjoyed this, it's always been a funny story for me to tell people because the reaction I get is so varied.
Upvote, Downvote, doesn't matter to me. Just wanted to share and maybe make someone's day.
Thanks for reading!
EDIT: Wow! Didn't think I would make it here. Thanks for all of the fake points! I have plenty of weird family stories and will be sure to post some more in the future. Enjoy the day!