Been a while, Imgur! I recently left my absolutely glorious and fun filled life in South Korea to move to the southern ASS END of Mainland China. I decided to do another DITL for funsies. If these get popular enough I'll do one for every country I've visited this year. Thanks for liking my last one!
Here's what my life is like as an expat in mainland China.
EDIT: Hi guys! I'm SO SO SORRY for the numerous spelling errors and mistakes. I wrote this on my phone at like 2 am, and I tried to redo my post, but my internet stopped working for a few hours. Now I feel too lazy to go back and fix them all. I'm educated, I swear to god.
EDIT 2: Holy Moly I'm on the front page again! ALRIGHT- QUICK DISCLAIMER - Please don't let yourself be butthurt about my post. I've only lived in China for a short period of time. I don't mean to insult anyone, so please don't be offended! (which, yes, ironic considering how many times I swear). RIP my inbox again, damn. But thanks for the support everyone!
I wake up at every day at an ungodly early hour - usually some time around noon, and I'm greeted by the beautiful sight of smog, pollution, and human waste from the comfort of my own balcony!
Don't hold your breath guys - ALL OF CHINA IS LIKE THIS.
ALSO, For some UNKNOWN FUCKING REASON, the pipes in my building and in my bathroom (and most of China, as I've heard) aren't filtered, which means that sometimes I wake up to the lovely smell of SOMEONE ELSES SHIT AND HUMAN SEWAGE wafting from my bathroom. :)
SUSPICIOUS BUT DELICIOUS! - Food in China generally falls into two categories- fucking amazing and actual stomach cancer. Since it's so cheap and available, you can gorge yourself on food all day and everyday for basically no cost. BUT! Most food in china has a 40% chance of giving you insane food poisoning, so you might end up with explosive diarrhea or projectile vomit at any given point at any time of day. I've nearly crapped by pants about four times since I moved here four months ago.
The commute to work is pretty okay China is quite scenic in many areas, and would be a beautiful country EXCEPT----
THERE'S FUCKIN TRASH EVERYWHEEERRRRREEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHINA IS LITERALLY A WALKING FUCKING DUMP. BRO. EVERYWHERE AND ANYWHERE YOU GO THERE'S SHIT, SPIT AND FUCKING DISGUSTINGNESS EVERYWHERE AND IT SMELLS
ALL THE TIME!!!
Pictured above is what I assume is an average public park in China.
And by dirty everywhere, I mean ITS THE FUCK. NASTY. EVERYWHERE! Here is an actual dead rat in the apartment parking lot where I live. The parking lot alone has about a hundred (yes, a fucking hundred) mothafuckkn rats that spend their days eating free food, sleeping, having massive orgies and generally living a better life than anyone I know tbh. Also, yes, that is an actual TURD IN THE GODDAMN SUBWAY.
During my commute one day, SOMEONE OR SOMETHING JUST WENT AND SHAT ON THE TRAIN. LIKE. JUST DECIDED TO SIT THERE AND NONCHALANTLY SHIT. ON A TRAIN. Shit-on-the-Train is such a lovely metaphor for life in general though, ya know. You try to go from one place to another and there's just shit in your way. So deep. So Insightful. So shitty.
Pictured here is the crowning achievement of all human ingenuity- the squat toilet. The squat toilet is a hole in the ground that you squat over and piss/shit in. Many Asians think that it's "cleaner" because you don't but your physical ass cheeks on the seat, and so must be better than a western toilet.
But lemme tell you. These things give me NIGHTMARES. actual honest to God NIGHTMARES. firstly, it's almost impossible to aim into them properly, so they are ALWAYS, Bruh, ALWAYS surrounded by piss. When you walk inside the stall, you HAVE TO walk in a puddle of SOMEONE ELSES FUCKING PISS. Apparently, cleaning up waste is a foreign concept in china because these things are almost always absolutely filthy.
Second, the fucking SMELL. you can ALWAYS smell a squat toilet from like 5 miles (idk what 5 miles is in non-American. Like, 4 kilometers or something????)---away. It smells like 6000 years of pure communist hatred. It smells like they buried every person Genghis Khan brutally murdered centuries ago in the same place. It smells like every human being that ever existed shat at the same time at the same place after eating several pounds of rotten garbage. It's horrific and makes me vomit nearly every time I go near one.
Another one of the joys of living in China (especially as a foreigner) are the complete and utter curiosity and general disregard for your privacy. People take pictures of me ALL THE DAMN TIME, and don't even have the decency to hide or ask when they do. Personally, I understand that the curiosity and I'm also a huge attention whore, so I love being a minor spectacle. Other people really dislike being photographed and touched without permission, and it can be very frustrating to see people blatantly point their cameras at you or stare and point unabashedly at you.
Usually I can't catch when people snap photos of me, but this time I was fast enough to notice this kind AND professional young sir wave his phone at me. Wahooo.
Like my last job, I work in an English teaching school where I spend my days making faces at children and trying not to get pissed on. I work in a fairly large school with several other teachers, and there's this wonderful feeling of slavery, stress, and mild suicide that presides over our office like a beautiful Cloud of smog. Pictured here in my chair is the physical summary of my life in China thus far. :) !
And my favorite fucking thing about China is the fact that it has the WORST INTERNET ON THE FFFFFFUCKING. PLANET.
THE ABSOLUTE FFFUCKING WORST!!!!
I'm damn sure that China ranks last in internet speed around the world, right behind North Korea, Somalia, and the fucking Moon (I'm pretty sure the moon has faster internet tho just saying)
China's internet is so fucking unreliable and so fucking slow that it's a damn atrocity. About three times a week, the entire internet in the country commits some form of virtual internal seppuku and just fucking implodes. randomly. As a 20 something year old millennial loser, having no internet is akin to actual death.